the basic message #E226

12/24/03

It's a scene that's repeated all too often.  It's usually seen on the weekend.  There's always at least two cars involved.  They meet at a neutral location- a gas station parking lot seems to be a favorite.  The faces of the parties are usually grim, but occasionally someone will force a weak smile for the sake of courtesy.  There is movement of property from one vehicle to the other- a backpack, a duffle bag, a suitcase.  The meeting doesn't last long- usually everyone is gone within 5 minutes.  So just what is this rendezvous?  Is it a mafia gathering?  Nope.  Is it a drug deal?  No.  It's a increasingly common sight these days- the "kid swap".

I suppose a better way to phrase it is: "parental visitation", but "kid swap" is what it really is.  Movement of the children of divorced parents has become a national past time.  I'm amazed at how many times I've witnessed this growing trend, so I must assume that it's more common than we want to consider.  You might ask, "John, how are you so sure that it's not just people meeting to transfer kids to someone else's house for a sleep-over or something?  It's all too evident in the facial expressions and demeanor of the adults and the kids.  The adults have a somber, "let's get this over with" look about them.  The kids, strangely enough, have more of a "this is just part of life, so I might as well get used to it" look on their faces.  The meetings are done with great efficiency- personal property moved from one vehicle to the next within 1 minute usually.  The only thing that slows down the process sometimes if a infant seat is being moved from one car to the other.  Apparently one parent requires their divorced mate to use a particular kind of car seat, or perhaps the other might not have a car seat at all.  Movement of toddlers always hits me the hardest.

If there is a "poster scene" for the breakup of the American family, this is it.  I find it almost amusing that men like D. James Kennedy like to blame the future extinction of the American family on "the Gay rights agenda", whatever that is.  May I ask you a question?  How many families do you know of that dissolved due to homosexuality?  I don't know of any, but I know of dozens of divorces between heterosexual people. Those  had a devastating effect on the demise of the American family.  But gee, if we ever came to grips with that fact, we might have to blame ourselves for our problems.  That doesn't appear to be the American way.  Finding someone or something to use as a scapegoat is always much better for our self-esteem.  I fully realize that I'm a lone voice in the wilderness proclaiming this, so I won't spend much more time on the subject.

The American family has changed quite a bit since I was a kid in the 50's and 60's.  Perhaps our problems began with the notion that all families were supposed to be like the Cleavers on "Leave it to Beaver".  Do you know what Ward Cleaver did for a living?  Neither do I, but he would go to the office every day and do "something".  How did June Cleaver clean the house and work in the yard wearing  beautiful dresses?  How was every problem solved in less than 30 minutes each week?  The Cleavers, as most of you should know by now, were a great family to watch each week, but in terms of reality, they were from a different planet.  Maybe the struggle with trying to maintain the right family image started with people trying to emulate the Cleavers.  Could it be that many American families got into trouble simply because they used the Cleavers as a model of what they should be?  When I was a kid, divorced people were rare in my neighborhood.  Divorce was still considered something parents whispered privately about- it simply wasn't proper to discuss something so horrible in mixed settings.  Think about how we view divorce today: does anyone give a second thought to someone getting a divorce or have any strong feelings about someone who is divorced?  I guess we don't feel any shame about the breakup of marriages since it's all due to the homosexual agenda.  (Sorry, I couldn't resist tossing that in once more)  But I stray- the original topic was about movement of children due to divorce.

I'm writing this on Christmas Eve, 2003.  This is a particularly hard time of year for children of divorced parents for many reasons.  Due to the epidemic proportions of divorce in the US, it isn't uncommon for parents to have multiple divorces and consequently, multiple remarriages.  Consider this situation for a moment.  A man divorces his wife and gets custody of his children.  He remarries a woman who is also divorced and also has children by her ex.  These two get married and have what is known as a "blended family".  It's a tough situation trying to get children from two different families to peacefully co-exist under one roof.  It's even tougher for the new parent to discipline the children of their new mate.  How many times is this saying repeated in America each week: "You can't tell me what to do- you're not my real father (or mother)!"  Successfully raising a family in our times is very difficult, and raising a blended family is probably ten times harder.  Why do we think divorce solves our problems?  In my opinion, divorce usually creates far more problems that it cures.

Grandparents often suffer as a result of divorces and remarriages since their visitation of the children has now become scheduled rather than spontaneous.  In the old days a kid might be lucky enough to have 4 living Grandparents.  For me it was very simple- I had a "Maw-maw", a "Mama G" and a "Papa G".  Many kids today have to get a little more formal and add a last name: "Grandpa Jones" or "Maw-maw Smith", since they might possibly end up with 4 sets of grandparents.  Heck, with people living longer these days, it's very likely that a kid today could have even 6 or more sets of grandparents.  How?  He could start out with 4 grandparents from his original parents.  His mother and father both remarry after divorcing and the persons that they marry have living parents, so now the kid, in theory, could easily have 8 grandparents.  In the case of multiple marriages this thing can extrapolate to unreal limits.

So what do we do?  I used to think that the church might be the solution, but it has become part of the problem.  Most larger churches have "divorce ministries" or some sort of program for divorcees.  The church has unwittingly endorsed divorce by simply having programs in place for divorced people.  Rather than extol the problems with people getting divorces, the church has simply become a place to stroke the egos of the divorced.  Yes, I know this is a tough line I've drawn, but until the church puts divorce back in its proper place of shame, people will simply toss in the towel whenever things don't go the way they want it.  The church should be training people to tough out marriage rather than giving them an easy out.